in the now

I interrupt my past adventures to write about how I'm feeling NOW. Today.

It's been a bit over a month since the D&C (2.6.09) of our second pregnancy. The IV bruise on my hand has finally faded, however, the pain is still as real as the day we were told the heartbeat was gone.

Being a month out means that the pathology results from the "products of conception" will be available soon as well as the karyotyping that DH and I are having done.

My thoughts have been everywhere the past few weeks but the most important thing is that I'm trying to stay positive. I keep telling myself that these answers we're waiting for will lead us in the right direction. I want to believe we are in good hands with the RE.

Besides the blood work results, we also have to look into this uterine septum possibility. Two ultrasound technicians commented about this during this past pregnancy. It was never mentioned during the numerous ultrasounds I had during my first pregnancy. This could also be what the RE saw on my HSG films but he seemed to indicate that was just a small fibroid or polyp.

I'm also waiting for the first AF after D&C. For the first pregnancy, it took 35 days from D&C so if history repeats itself, which it has in other *not so good* ways, then she should be arriving soon. I am ready for AF because I honestly want to get this show on the road.

I've realized our chance for a baby born in 2009 has faded. It hurts to think we've been on the journey since October 2007 and may not be holding a baby till late winter or spring 2010--if things go my way (ha!). What hurts even more is that I'm not getting any younger. I turned 35 in January and I'm ready for this motherhood thing more than anything else in the world.

I still find it hard to believe this is my fertility story. What I am trying to believe is that my story is going to have a happy ending.