I've been going through this story in my head and I keep wanting to add hindsight comments to it but what I think I'll do is tell the story and in another post have "lessons learned" b/c OH BOY was i damn clueless about TTC the first time around!
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This story begins in the Fall of 2007.
We were well moved into our brand new townhome. We had three bedrooms. One was ours, one was an office and one was the guest bedroom. Now that we had the space, we were eager to fill these rooms with tiny feet.
On our third month of trying, Aunt Flo (AF) was late. My cycle has always been right on schedule. The backache and the diarrhea came knocking exactly on the 28th day. That month was different. I did what any other woman who was trying to get knocked up would do. I peed on a stick (POAS). It came up negative. "Hmmmm". Maybe without the birth control my body was confused. I was only a few days late but because of AF's promptness I decided to call my family practice to get in for a test.
I gave them a pee sample and was sent to an exam room. A physician's assistant came in and told me the test was negative. "Are you trying to get pregnant?" combined with a sympathetic pat on my knee. What I wanted to say wouldn't have been appropriate so I simply followed up with a "yes, we are". She said she'd take a blood test and if that was negative we'd follow up with some other tests, maybe it was my thyroid.
Two days later I got the call at work. YES, we were pregnant but only a few weeks. WOW! This isn't real, this IS REAL, this is happening! We were excited but cautious. I guess I already had a mother's intuition at that point. We didn't tell many because we did know the statistics. We did tell our families though. I looked ahead at the calendar and picked mid March as a day to reveal the news to all.
I gave up caffeine and deli meat and tried my best to take care of myself and the little one growing inside of me. This was just the beginning of an amazing trip. We were ready.
What we weren't ready for was spotting. I began spotting and was sent for an ultrasound. It was measuring small but I was told that I could've had a later ovulation. My last menstrual period (LMP) was Dec. 16th, 2007. I remember the day of that first ultrasound, it was Feb. 7th, 2008. The heart beat was visible and measured at 118bpm. I was told there was nothing to worry about.
I called my ob/gyn almost a week later to report that the spotting was still going on. It had been almost 7 days and I wanted to make sure we were still fine. To put my mind at ease she scheduled me for another ultrasound. It was a week later, it was Valentine's Day. We left that appointment feeling not so certain. The doctor at the radiology facility measured it at 6w3d, yet it was a whole week later. I do not recall him taking a bpm measurement but the heart beat was still there. I was told sometimes measurements that early were off. We were pretty much told that we had to hurry up and wait. My ob/gyn was honest with me and told us at this point the pregnancy could go either way. She told us the statistics and how common miscarriage is.
Hurry up and wait.
I continued to spot and had my first real office visit on February 25th, 2008 (this is WEIRD because this latest time around my first appointment was going to be Feb. 25, 2009).
They took the numerous vials of blood, we discussed next appointments and genetic testing and decided that we probably conceived on our about January 8/9/10th'ish. The doc got out the doppler. I was so relieved that she found a heart beat, and it took almost no time. She didn't mention bpm but we were glad we found it. She still had no explanation for my spotting but that day put our minds at ease. I was probably about 8w by that time, give or take a few days of course.
The beginning of the end started March 6th. I was at work and felt crampy. I chalked it up to gas and maybe even my uterus growing. I was still spotting. That night I tried to stay positive and even had a good night's sleep.
By the morning I had what I call contractions. I called the ob/gyn asap. She told me to come right in. I knew that cramps like that didn't mean my baby was healthy so we were both prepared for the worst news and we received it. She had the vaginal ultrasound every which way in me and we just knew right away there was no heart beat. It was over. The flicker that we saw twice before in the previous month was gone. It measured 8w3d and by then I maybe should've been 9 or even 10w along. It was over. Our dream of a fall baby ended. I was rooting for it to be born on my mom's birthday and I wanted a girl.
Statistics again. "It happens all the time." Those words don't make anyone feel better. When it happens to ME it means I'm a statistic and I don't want to be that kind of a statistic. We opted for a D&C because of the pain (contractions) I was in. Since I hadn't eaten or had a drink that morning, the dr. was able to fit us in that afternoon.
It was all over that day. I was now a statistic but "it doesn't mean you won't ever get pregnant again". "At least you know you can get pregnant and it only took you three months!". "It happens more often than women realize".
No words were comforting. I was already attached to the prospect of a family and already had dreams that came crashing down that day.
