Can I get an almost double?

The nurse didn't call when she usually does.

How DARE she screw up my schedule.

What's even more weird is I called her AND the front desk and NO ANSWER.

Finally around 3pm she called.

My number almost doubled. We're looking at a 280 now! She uses the formula of multiplying the previous number by 1.7 (for draws that are 48 hours apart). 

104 (Mon) x 1.7 = 176.8 (which we didn't make but whoa, I wasn't THAT far off!!!!)

152 (Wed) x 1.7 = 258.4 (we got the 280 today)

280 x it won't be 1.7 because I don't go back till Monday. Who can do that math on THAT one! Would it be 2.7 to account for the extra day?

Aw shucks, who knows. Hoping I won't have to do any math because it'll be an obvious RISE!

Now I'm going to relax with a non-alcoholic drink.

Chips and salsa or a napkin for your tears?

My friend and I are going out to lunch tomorrow around the time I will get my call.

I'm so glad I won't have to be at my desk all by myself.

I may want to pig out or not eat at all after that call.

Slow and Steady?

I'm trying to stay positive. 

I got through Tuesday and this morning with such high hopes for a GREAT phone call.

My beta didn't rise as expected. It was 152 today.

The nurse can kiss my ass though. She seems to have already given up hope. I could tell by the tone of her voice.

She started out by saying "Listen". I knew right there it wasn't good news.

Then "Your beta didn't double, it's only at 152. I want you to remain optimistic but you have to stay guarded".

"You WILL have to follow up on this."

That's the one that killed me. Did SHE think I had given up? 

Needless to say I was VERY upset. I left work. I just took a GREAT nap and was woken up by my friend. She pointed out the obvious about the nurse being "desensitized".

She told me that I need to stay hopeful. That there are plenty of stories out there that have a happy ending. She told me that she is still pulling for me and that I still need to pull for me. 

I'm going to pull for me.

I hope we can show this nurse up with a stronger beta on Friday. 

I said it before and I'll say (type?) it again (this time in CAPS because someone obviously didn't see it) --- IT'S OUR TURN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please let Friday bring happier news. PLEASE.

uh, what did you say?

So the nurse calls and says "you're pregnant!".

Sounds like the beginning of a bad joke.

But this wasn't a joke.

Had she not said my name I would've thought she had the wrong number.

ME? No way, I've been spotting.

The tears start because the first thought is WORRY because of the spotting.

She calms my fears and I'm scheduled to go back Wednesday morning for beta #2.

Staying positive.

Positive. Positive. Positive. 

If I feel it'll help me mentally, she said I could do PIO shots instead of the endometrin.

First things first, let's get to 1.3opm on Wednesday.

Deep breaths.

This is my time. 

It's my turn. 

Today's beta was 104.

I can't stop saying "holy crap".

Out but not

So I tested at 11dpui and it was negative.

And the spotting continues. The endometrin really is holding AF back way better than last month. A bit of her is coming through so that makes me 99.99% sure that we are out this month. However, my beta isn't until Monday. I probably won't waste another test at home. I have the cheapies but it's not even worth it since I'm pretty sure I know where I stand.

Another depressing month. We did everything right.

If i get a call at 1.30pm on Monday with news I'm not expecting I'd be surprised. It's happened though. However, I wouldn't be surprised if it was another chemical. I just feel like something is happening in there. Sperm is meeting egg and doing its thing but then nothing. Another low positive may mean nothing to my stupid doctor though. I can't believe he blamed the other one on a possible lab mistake. What an idiot. I had HCG in my system and you think it's a mistake? Oh, and glad you trust your lab folks. 

That leads me to my situation for this next cycle. I go to a large facility that has many offices. I was going to go to a different doctor at a different office right away but they don't have any appointments until late August. I also made an appointment with a completely different facility but I have a feeling I'm not going to have my records in time and he may even want to do certain tests and not want to put me right into something.  So I may reschedule that appointment. I know people that have had success with him and his facility is smaller compared to where I go now. I don't feel like a number where I go now but I do sometimes feel like they don't personalize each situation (ie, him not giving a shit about my post O spotting). 

Soooooooo, it looks like I'll jump into another cycle with the current doctor.  Not my first choice but I have insurance to cover it and it's an "I may as well" situation. We are probably planning a vacation that we'd leave for right after the next 2ww. Since we won't be able to go directly into another cycle then, I think I'll take September off from medicine (try on our own of course and *maybe* still use endometrin after the O) and get in with new facility.  

Gosh, obviously I'm already discounting even the NEXT cycle. I need to stay positive but I also like to have a plan just in case next time is negative. 

Maybe a month off will do me good.  I need some good. I can't continue to live this way. Wishing days away and wishing weeks away isn't good.

"fuck it all to hell" - jennifer

Spotting.

Pissed.

Losing hope.

Definitely going to change doctors if this cycle is BFN.

Hate this part.

5 expensive seconds

I'm such a slacker with you blog. I am so sorry!

Today was IUI #2. Follicles grew S L O W L Y but caught up fast!

The actual insemination process is all of 5 seconds followed by 5 mins of laying there. It's so anticlimactic after all these drugs and appointments. I want balloon animals and pony rides but all I get is a sheet of instructions and a test date of two weeks later.

Test will be 7.27.09. It should be on the 28th but doc said I could come in TWO days earlier. Unfortunately they don't do betas on weekends so I get one day earlier.

The "earlier test" agreement stems from the conversation/Q&A session I had with the doctor. I didn't leave with warm fuzzies but I did realize that HIS #1 goal is to get me knocked up. 

He'd do everything to make that happen so I have to believe that this spotting/early AF just means that I'm not pregnant. That it doesn't mean something is wrong. By coming in for an earlier beta we could see if there is a low number that either rises or disappears. He didn't say what we could do if we realize I'm having chemicals but I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. Or that is where I switch doctors.

The rest of the Q&A session was pretty standard. 

Do I need more tests? No, you're normal (UH, that's not evident). 

Do I need to get progesterone checked? No, because we are supplementing you. 

Do I need PIO progesterone? No, studies show the Endometrin is just as effective. 

Should I take a baby aspirin? Not necessary but go for it if you want but he mentioned the early bleeding I'm having could be worse. (UH, then shouldn't you advise me FIERCELY against taking this???). 

Anyway, I had two pages of questions and he answered them to the best of his ability but not necessarily to my liking (I just want to know what the fuck is wrong w/ me? How fucking hard is that? You have eight degrees hanging on your wall, which is from the Magic 8 Ball School of Tell Me What the Hell is Wrong?).

He knows we can deliver a live baby. Although he also said we could go directly to IVF if we wanted to. *sigh*. Thanks for positive vibes for these IUIs.

We'd like to vacation from 8.29 - 9.6 and it looks like I can squeeze in one more IUI cycle (if needed) before then. I/we will then decide next steps. 

I wholeheartedly believe we CAN get pregnant w/o shelling out 20k. I mean we DID do it twice already. I'm willing to do more IUIs but at that point it may be time for a fresh outlook (new doc).

BUT, what am I saying? This month I will get knocked the fuck up.

Yes indeedy.

Now starts the first week of chillin' then the second week of toilet paper obsessing.

Oh wait, I have to BD some more before the chillin' starts. After all, that IS how a baby is made, right?